So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
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