my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
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