Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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