Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
