you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
