I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
