apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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