I'm laying in your front yard are you home
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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