I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
