What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
