Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
