I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
