I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
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