You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
