I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
