my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
