summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
