I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
