I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Randomize
