I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
