I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
