i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
