Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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