I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
