I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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