I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
