It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
pray to the hookup gods
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
