i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
