pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
