well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Randomize
