I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
