quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
