i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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