The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
