the condom got lost in my hair
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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