Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Randomize
