Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
