Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
