I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
