I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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