I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
