Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Randomize
