Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
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