Im at strip club and am horny
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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