I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
