Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
