you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Randomize
