I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I am spending my child support on dildos
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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