she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
