i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
