if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
