i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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