so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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