Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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