I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
