I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
please come you make the beer taste better
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
