happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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