wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
