he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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