Whatcha textin bout Willis?
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
