I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
