I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
