She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
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